Joshua Daniel Wagner

(1982 - 2001)

   The silver thread that connected Josh to his physical body was severed on July 8, 2001.

We are feeling lost without you Josh- wondering what it is all about.  Your life was short, precious, a gift.  Longing everyday, this day, for your touch- the smell and feel of Josh. 

Josh before heroin...sometimes hard to recall.  Two different sons- the before and the after.  And now, only the after.  How could a drug, a substance taken by choice, destroy my son?  At first a choice- clouded by countless other "highs", and, then, no choice.  An addiction.  Now a reality, his destruction, his destiny- my choice less future-his absence.  I beg God, give me, him, us another chance.  But nothing changes.  It is done.  Josh is lost to us.  Physical separation only--impossible to comprehend, and yet, the reality I face everyday.  Everyday a show, a performance, called living- a hallow place where things must be done, work to do- things to fill time and space-a world without Josh.  Pointless and, yet, necessary.  And as we honor Josh's memory we are thankful and nourished.


Josh- unique, gentle, loving, troubled, sensitive, distant, warm, aloof.  Never too serious, comical, caring, dark, tolerant, compassionate.  Always childlike, colorful, sad, sensual, unforgettable.

Josh was as close as you wanted him to be and as distant as he felt.

What happened?

How did life become so insufferable?

Why couldn't he let you/me in?

Sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll.  Troubled teen years. Confusion, experimentation, and always searching.  Looking for answers, love, identity, and, yes, something to ease the pain.

Heroin. 

Did Josh leave us something?
Yes, a memory of a beautiful young man.  A love, trusting soul.  A friend to all.  And a legacy about life- and the crossing of the fine line on which we all walk...of the looking into the abyss and falling in.  The forced control, the allusion, and the realization of our lack of it.  Letting go, drowning, dying.

Josh's soul lives on.  His spirit indestructible.  His memory a blessing.  His life a lesson.

If you are someone or know someone who abuses drugs, remember my son.  Josh would tell you that it was not worth it.  Our loss is greater than his high.  Our sorrow a daily reminder of how precious he is, how much he is missed, and our appreciation for having Josh in our lives.

God grant us the serenity to accept the things we can not change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.